I often run across articles that try to explain how using one phrase versus another can make the difference between communicating or enraging your fellow human. These articles, rarely, if ever, refer to this type of language based work as rhetorical, but in fact that’s exactly what they’re working with. Rhetoric is the study of what words people can use to move and shape their world and the people in it.
One rhetorical tool I have found useful in fostering the kind of productive conflict that breaks through to the other side centers on inviting the other person to say a little more. When you’re in a conversation with someone who says something you disagree with, if you want to have a productive conflict, resist the urge to shut them down. Instead, ask them to elaborate.
When you ask someone to say a little more, rhetoric helps you
Communicate interest.
Asking your interlocutor (the person to whom you are speaking) to elaborate and explain themselves in more detail shows your care and interest as a listener. Communicating that, despite your differences, you still want to know more immediately inspires trust.Get closer to the issue.
When you ask someone to explain their position in more detail, you provide yourself with a second chance to understand their position. Often what we hear first gets filtered through what we are currently thinking. Buy yourself time to understand what is being said.
Additionally, asking someone to say a little more, or even saying a little more yourself when you take a stand, has the effect of slowing down the argument. Usually extreme reactions and outright rejection happens quickly in the heat of the moment. By saying a little more, and slowing the pacing, you can take a step back, think more clearly, and may even go deeper into the argument (where the good stuff is!) because you’ve moved beyond surface level reactions.
In business situations, asking people to say a little more can include asking your colleagues if they are comfortable (or not) with a decision being made. Getting people to talk about an upcoming action is a great way to keep the conversation going and show mutual interest in the other party’s perspective. It’s also an opportunity to course correct if you get the sense that not everyone is on board.
Picture this:
You’re speaking to your spouse, or your teenage son, or your co-worker, and they’ve just said something that makes you want to scream. Instead of screaming back, trying taking a deep breath and asking them, “can you say a little more about why you feel this way?” Your spouse/child/colleague sighs, catches their breath, and then adds a little more detail to their commentary. That extra detail gives you both just enough time—a nice 5 second pause—to chill out even just 10%—and see that the issue really isn’t about who forgot to take the trash out or schedule a conference room, but that one of you feels overwhelmed and needs some extra TLC today. Or, if it is about someone neglecting their duties, now you can talk about it productively.
So, the next time you feel yourself caught up in a heated debate, becoming a bit too passionate about your own point of view, or banging your head against a wall, why not try out “Can you say a little more…” and see if that wall gets broken down just a tad— just enough to exchange some productive words across the great divide.
Next week: Say a Little Less… the Power of Sitting with Uncertainty